Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
