Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
