if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
