Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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