stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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