I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Im part way to drunk.
Everclear isn't food dammit
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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