Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
