their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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