it wasn't lemon gatorade
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
