there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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