The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
