He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
