im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
