It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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