i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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