He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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