I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
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I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
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How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
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