true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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