What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
then he tried to convert me to islam
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
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Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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