During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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