Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
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Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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