im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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