im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
