I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
