Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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