next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
