Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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