see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Let's paint friendship bongs
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
