I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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