he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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