I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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