I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
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