I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
