...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
