I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
