just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
