My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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