ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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