Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
