Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
