Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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