Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
