why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
