OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
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Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
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She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.