you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
