And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
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Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
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Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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