I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
