I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
