she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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