Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
