I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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