forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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