GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
