Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
