Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
