Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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