maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
