So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Farmville is her only friend.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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