She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
