I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
