Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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