I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
